Who I am......

Who am I? I don't think I even know for sure, so much has happened in my life that has shaped me and is still shaping me. For many years I have been ashamed to admit to some of the things that make me who I am, or stopped mentioning them because it made people uncomfortable. Finally, I have decided that it really doesn't matter what people think, what matters is being true to myself.

There are those out there who don't want to hear about the things that impact my life the most, they don't want to know how most of my days are spent in pain from a condition I never asked for, they don't want to hear about the infertility that comes with that condition, endometriosis, and most of all, they don't want to hear about my fight to overcome the pain and infertility.

The fact is, even the negative things in my life play a part in making me the person that I am, and I will not deny those things any more. If it makes people uncomfortable then I am sorry, but this is who I am and I need to be true to myself. Please know that when I share these things I am not looking for sympathy or a pity party, I am simply telling it like it is.

My week from Hell

So much has happened since my last post that I'm not quite sure where to begin; so I suppose I'll start from the transfer. Transfer went really great, for once I could say it was almost painless, and I was filled with hope for my two little embryos. There were still four more fighting it out in the lab, and we hoped some would make it to freezing! The next week was uneventful, just the normal impatience that always goes along with the two week wait.

But horror hit me seven days after transfer; I broke out in hives again!!! My husband rushed me home to the RE, who gave me cortisone lotion and sent me home, but it all got so much worse, that by 8pm I was booked into the hospital. I was given intravenous hydrocortisone, which didn't seem to have much effect, and by the second day in hospital I started spotting; a whole week before it could possibly have been due!!! By Friday, the bleeding was heavy.......pretty much as heavy as my heart. The RE called in the immunologist who changed my meds, so finally the hives started to subside. That on it's own was a terrible experience; the adrenaline when given intravenously has a terrible effect, it really makes it feel like your heart is going to break out of your chest at any moment!

By Saturday, the doctors both agreed I could go home, I was so relieved to be getting out of that hospital! Unfortunately, on Sunday morning, the hives were back and I was put onto stronger meds again....they seem to be helping. At the same time though, I am convinced that I lost my babies because bleeding was suddenly bright red!

I am now waiting to hear from the RE if he thinks I should still go for the beta; if there is any hope at all of a pregnancy from this cycle.

Oh, and I was also told on Saturday that none of my enbies made it to freezing.

Transfer Today!!!!

I just got the call; I have to go in this afternoon for embryo transfer! I still don't have a very clear idea of how many fertilized....I was simply told that there are 2 leading, and they cannot wait until tomorrow! I suppose I will find out a little more when I see the RE this afternoon. I am really hoping I will have some to freeze this time!!!!
So here begins bedrest..........by the way; what are your thoughts on bedrest? Necessary or not?

Cycle Progress

I know, I know, I'm not the best at keeping up to date in the blogging world! But I do have an excuse........raging hormones, and I mean really raging!

I am now eight days into stims, and feeling a little tender all round! The higher dosages seem to really have a big effect on me!

So, my cycle up to now has been quick, but reasonably uneventful; each ultrasound seems to reveal at least one extra follicle, and all are growing at an alarming rate. I now have a definite 11 follicles, the lead one measuring about 17mm, so I will be ready for the trigger shot tomorrow. (DH loves that, cause he gets to give me the shot, apparently that gives him some sort of sadistic pleasure!)

I have been put on a double dose of bromocriptine, in case all the stims etc make my prolactin levels rise again, but so far so good! The RE has also decided not to put me on any progesterone after transfer, because he agrees that was probably what caused the allergic reaction last time!

Egg Retieval will be on Monday! Here's hoping they get more than last time.

Back to IVF

Here I am, on day four of stims........my butt aches, and now that I think about it, so do my ovaries. I am on 5 amps of menogon per day, and it feels like things are moving fast!

Prolactin levels are down, but I still have to take the bromocriptine. That's ok though, as long as I get to have a baby in the end!!!!

Things are looking pretty positive this time round if I go by what my RE says. He seems to think I will have a really good number of follicles now that my prolactin levels have come down, he also thinks this cycle will move super fast, and expects to do the retrieval by the weekend!!! Talk about being in a hurry!

The permanent headaches are becoming a bit much, I really would love to get through one day without them, but then again, I don't want to be too demanding, I might jinx the cycle!!! I'm struggling to drink enough water too, never have been a real water drinker, now I have to keep drinking to avoid OHSS. I got it last time, so I know it's definitely something I don't need again!

My first scan is tomorrow, and hopefully I'll know how many follicles we're looking at. Back with an update then......

I am so tired!!!!

I am so tired of this whole endometriosis, trying to conceive, prolactinoma, nausea thing. It's driving me crazy!!!!! I feel so damned defective......and it's not a feeling I can stop!

I started on the bromocriptine again on Monday and I have felt incredibly sick since then, but I just don't feel like adding anti-nausea tablets to the daily regime! To add to that, my period is late, which stresses me, because it means that the prolactinoma is really wreaking havoc. My hair is falling out, in fact, it has been for three months now, and the vit B injections don't seem to be helping any! All I want to do all day is sleep, I feel so terrible.

I am actually also terrified of getting that monthly visitor, because the pain was so bad last month that I just wanted to curl up and die.....and the cyst is still there so it will probably be the same this month!

Now I have to start the pill again to control the cyst.....which means I will bloat up to an enormous size again!!!! I just can't wait! Oh, and the RE suggests jogging as a way to keep it down. That would be fine if I wasn't nauseous all the time.....and asthmatic to boot!

Ok, so in general, I am just feeling sorry for myself, but seeing babies everywhere I turn really doesn't help, I mean, the number of babies and pregnant women I see seem to increase exponentially as the years of ttc roll by........or is it just me seeing things?

Prolactin Levels Up

Well, I went to the RE today for the follow up on the cyst and fresh results on prolactin levels, and excuse me if I say the results were really sh*t!!!!! The cyst is down...by a whole two millimeters, and I will be going on the pill hoping to get rid of it for good, another ultrasound to follow in a month's time.

The prolactin level, however, is of course up again after just two and a half weeks off the bromocriptine!!! The prognosis? I will never be able to fall pregnant without bromocriptine! That sucks, really, really sucks! And for the first time ever, the RE actually asked if I want to keep trying for a baby. In the past he has always been so upbeat about it all, reminding me that I am still very young, which will improve my chances, but this time he was so serious and sad looking that it really depressed me!

I of course, am extremely stubborn, and insisted that I still want to keep trying........so no easy escape for the RE, he will still have to deal with my gigantic load of problems!

How Long is Too Long?

To try to conceive that is! Yes, I do have an idea what you were thinking!!!!! This is a question that I think many infertiles ask themselves, and do they ever find the answer? Rarely!

I think the answer always lies in the infertile herself, no one can answer it for you. It is a deeply personal issue with about a million variables involved.......making it impossible for anyone else to decide what is best for you.

I know I have struggled with that question in the past, and the truth is, I still struggle with it today! My husband and I set some very definite cut-off dates in the beginning.......then we reached them and realised we were not ready to quit just yet, so we set new ones.....and the same situation resulted. Now, we have finally decided to just keep trying until it no longer feels right. That could be never, I don't have the answer now, and I probably won't have it anytime soon either. I just have to do what all infertiles end up doing, go with the flow until your heart or nature tells you to stop! And yes, it will always be hard, the disappointments are never easy to take, but imagine the feeling when you finally have a success!!!!

I think I'm a cynical cow!!!!

Today I came across a letter written by a woman who has been going through the whole infertility thing for about 10 years now, and in it she expressed her feelings of scorn for those who complain after a very short time of trying to conceive. What surprised me....though only slightly....is that I often feel the same way.

I know, I know, infertility is hard, even for the beginners, but it is so hard to feel sorry for someone who has been trying for say, six months, and acts as if the world will come to an end because she is not yet pregnant. Bitchy as it may sound, my immediate thoughts are, "Wow, you've been trying how long? There is no way you could not be preggers yet, not after six whole months.....I am just a mutant 'cause it has taken me six years so far!!!!" Now, I never say those things, I just think them. And don't get me wrong, I do feel for those ladies, I was there once too so I know how it feels, and I hope none of them ends up in my shoes, I just wish they would think before acting like real IF veterans after such a short time!!!!

Believe me, six years is vastly different to six months, and it would be nice if people would realise that. Yes, any form of infertility is hard to deal with and creates some serious emotional tension, but please, don't be a drama queen after a few short months!!!

And, although I'm a cow, I do possess some tender feelings, so I hope all of you who are starting out in the IF world never have to go as far as I have gone. I hope you all have beautiful babies to take home in the shortest time possible. Good Luck!

Doctors' Mistakes

I get so angry when I think of all the problems that could be avoided if only doctors would be thorough when testing patients for problems. This is especially true right now for many infertiles, who often go through years of expensive treatments to try to conceive, only to be told that they had been misdiagnosed in the beginning anyway and their infertility is actually caused by something else.

I don't think the doctors realise how traumatic infertility can be for a person, so traumatic that the last thing they need is to be told that all the treatments they have had were wrong, and they now need to start again with the opposite approach. Would it hurt so much to be thorough the first time around? Is it so hard to order tests for any problem that seems at all possible? Can they not double check their findings and test again if necessary? 

I know that doctors are human too, and that they make mistakes, but some mistakes can be avoided by proper proceedure and follow-through!!!!