The Unfairness of It All!!!!!

It's not easy to put my thoughts into words right now, so please bear with me....even if it sounds like a bunch of psycho babble!I have been battling with these thoughts for years now and they are just screaming to get out!

Throughout my battle with infertility I have seen things around me that strike me as so unfair or hurtful and I would like to share them with you....all the time hoping that it doesn't open a can of worms!

1) People who have children but don't really want them.
A relative of mine, mother of a six month old son at the time, commented on hearing about my first miscarriage,"Isn't it amazing, you want children so desperately and you have a miscarriage, I didn't even want children yet, and look at my beautiful son!"
I cannot even describe the pain and anger that rushed through me at those words!
That same relative now has 2 sons.

2) People who gloat about their super-fertility.
One comment I was privileged to hear when my struggle was divulged to some insensitive freak...."I can't believe you are having trouble falling pregnant, I keep getting pregnant on the pill!".......Well hurrah for you bitch, we can't all be uber-fertile!
Another favourite is, " My husband is scared to even look at me these days, I might get pregnant!"..........did you ever hear of birth control??? Or if you won't do that, then maybe consider carrying for an infertile???

3)People who think they know all about it.
Another relative, hearing about my fourth miscarriage said, " She'll get over it, I had a miscarriage and it wasn't that bad!"......well, news flash, when you have children and have only one early miscarriage, it is easier to get over than 4 consecutive miscarriages! But then, I wouldn't expect you to understand that!!!!

Another favourite, "I was battling to fall pregnant until I went on holiday, maybe you should try that!"......Um, I think the holiday angle has definitely failed for me....or don't you think I've been on holiday in the last five years?

Or,"It only takes one sperm to fertilise the egg, you don't really need all that expensive treatment."...Well, yes, it does usually work that way...just with me, my body murders the poor little sperm and it never reaches the egg, so I believe I do need all that treament.

Or, "You are still young, there is plenty of time to have children.".......I do recall mentioning that I have endometriosis all over my ovaries and ovarian failure is a distinct possibility, but if you think an egg is unnecessary then who am I to argue?

"I know exactly how you feel, it took me six months of trying to fall pregnant with my third child.".....Okay??? How does that compare??? I realise that secondary infertility is painful too, but let's not get carried away!

4)People who try to laugh it off with a joke
" Take mine!" ......That is extremely funny, can't you see how hard I'm laughing? I am sure you want to part with your little treasure, that is why you won't let him out of your sight!

Or, " Are you sure you want a baby? They are such hard work, look how hard it is to control mine!" ........so that's why you keep popping them out one after the other! Of course I want a baby, why do you think I've spent a f.......ing fortune on fertility treatment? Did you think it was just a hobby?

5) People who keep having babies when they can't afford to feed them
Every time I drive through town I am forced to deal with beggars, banging on the car window, saying they cannot buy food for their children. Most of these women have a child by the hand, one on the hip and a belly full with the next one, and if you care to ask they will tell about at least two more at home! Maybe I am being unreasonable, but why keep having children if you cannot even feed them? Especially if the government provides free birth control! And yes, I am jealous that these women can have children and I can't!

6)People who habitually have abortions or dump their babies.
This is probably one of the most widely debated subjects, often the most contentious too, but I will only deal with it from my perspective and I hope no one takes offense.
While I can sort of understand abortion following rape, that is the only time I would condone it, and even there I have reservations as there are so many women out there who would love to have a baby and would gladly adopt. But at the same time I can understand how it could hurt a woman psychologically if she was forced to carry a child that is the result of rape.
Now that I have stated the one exception, I will say that to me abortion is murder, no matter what the law says. It is simply a way for women to keep sleeping around and falling pregnant without dealing with the cosequences! I would like to beg all women considering abortion to think of all those ladies out there that are desperate to have children, think about giving your child up for adoption to someone who will love it unconditionally!! As an infertile, I would love to have the opportunity to adopt a newborn!
The same goes for people who dump babies. If you can't cope with your baby please find a respectable agency and offer the child for adoption, give it a chance for life!



Okay, I think I am finished raving for now. I know some of my thoughts might upset people, but please remember that these are my feelings, and were not intended to be offensive. They will also hopefully be an eye opener for people who deal with infertiles......maybe show how hurtful thoughtless comments can be!

Hormones, Temper, and Cravings...........

Why oh why were we given hormones???? They rage unchecked through our bodies, causing misery and strife! And did anyone make a f...ing off button???????????????????

Apparently I have been found to be somewhat bitchy lately, my answer to this is...."Of course I am bitchy, I have a whole army of hormones racing through my blood stream right now, so either put up with it....or become the next casualty in this war!!!!!

But seriously, even I am begining to have issues with my attitude lately.........I can't stand my own company, how sad is that? I also have issues with the cravings that seem to come hand in hand with raging hormones. I WANT CHOCOLATE, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, my thighs are politely saying no thank you to that request! A cigarette would also be most welcome at the moment, but I know if I give in to that craving I will regret it......especially since I have been smoke free for a year.

It seems the only answer is to go and hibernate this bitchy bod until it reaches a more even keel!

The Monster Grows Again

It has been just over a year since my last laparoscopy to treat endometriosis, and I feel that the next one is imminent . Now, after having had this surgery four times in the last three and a half years, I am understandably unenthusiastic!
Usually the surgeries tend to be about eight months apart, but I have lasted much longer this time due to a six month stint on birth control pills (part of the aforementioned weight issue).
Unfortunately, I found myself considering the desireability of surgery at about 6 am this morning to the accompaniment of some rather sharp pains in the ovary region. Now, I know this is not ovulation, because that happened two days ago. I honestly believe that I have cysts again......so do my ovaries believe it!
The problem is that I wanted to delay surgery so that I can have it right before my next IVF cycle so that I can start fresh, but the money is hard to come by so IVF will be considerably delayed! So my choices are; have the surgery so long anyway..or...wait a while and put up with the pain. My body and my husband would prefer the first choice!!!!

Does Parenthood Eliminate Individualism???

In my recent wanderings, I have noticed a peculiar habit of many parents of calling each other by title rather than name. It appears that parenthood overcomes self in it's entirety! Names fall away and the parents simply become Mama or Papa, even when speaking to each other.
Now, I understand this habit when in front of the children.....to an extent, but some couples go so far as to do this when at adult parties or out with friends, no children in sight. Is there some reason these people seem to cavalierly discard personal identity completely? If so I hope there is someone who can enlighten me!

Weighty Issues

After five and a half years of fertility treatment I find that I have a problem....yes, you guessed it....I am fat! Or at least I feel that I am fat, my husband thinks the extra weight is wonderful....I need to check what he has been smoking! I am 11kg above my normal weight and it is killing me! I have tried everything from eating plan to weight loss patch and nothing seems to help, oh yes, I play tennis every day too! So if there is someone out there with any ideas please speak up, I need to lose weight fast.

From the Beginning

Ok, so in the beginning it was basically girl meets boy (or rather man in this case), they get married, decide to wait a while for kids.......and bam, six months later we find out he has sperm count and morphology problems. I freak out, he decides to try donor sperm, I freak out some more, he convinces me to try. Follows two attempts at donor IUI, resulting in one miscarriage and one chemical pregnancy and me freaking out some more with doctor spending so much time peering between my legs. After much pain and frequent fainting, I get referred to an RE, who promptly does a laparoscopy and discovers that those hellish pains I lived with all through my teens were not in fact normal at all! I have endometriosis.....so now I have yet another person peering between my legs all the time. Three more laparoscopies, seven donor IUIs, one D&C, two miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy later, they decide it is time for me to try IVF.....I am sure this was actually designed as a form of torture. So I save money until I am blue in the face and still have to borrow so much that my eyes begin rolling and have my first IVF. Now looking back at my general history, you will not be surprised to hear that one week after egg transfer I end up in the hospital with a major allergy....to what we don't know. My body decides it is too much to bear and ends my IVF cycle forthwith. So that brings me back to the present....being a housewife.....looking for a job.......trying to find the cash for another try.....driving my husband insane!