It's not easy to put my thoughts into words right now, so please bear with me....even if it sounds like a bunch of psycho babble!I have been battling with these thoughts for years now and they are just screaming to get out!
Throughout my battle with infertility I have seen things around me that strike me as so unfair or hurtful and I would like to share them with you....all the time hoping that it doesn't open a can of worms!
1) People who have children but don't really want them.
A relative of mine, mother of a six month old son at the time, commented on hearing about my first miscarriage,"Isn't it amazing, you want children so desperately and you have a miscarriage, I didn't even want children yet, and look at my beautiful son!"
I cannot even describe the pain and anger that rushed through me at those words!
That same relative now has 2 sons.
2) People who gloat about their super-fertility.
One comment I was privileged to hear when my struggle was divulged to some insensitive freak...."I can't believe you are having trouble falling pregnant, I keep getting pregnant on the pill!".......Well hurrah for you bitch, we can't all be uber-fertile!
Another favourite is, " My husband is scared to even look at me these days, I might get pregnant!"..........did you ever hear of birth control??? Or if you won't do that, then maybe consider carrying for an infertile???
3)People who think they know all about it.
Another relative, hearing about my fourth miscarriage said, " She'll get over it, I had a miscarriage and it wasn't that bad!"......well, news flash, when you have children and have only one early miscarriage, it is easier to get over than 4 consecutive miscarriages! But then, I wouldn't expect you to understand that!!!!
Another favourite, "I was battling to fall pregnant until I went on holiday, maybe you should try that!"......Um, I think the holiday angle has definitely failed for me....or don't you think I've been on holiday in the last five years?
Or,"It only takes one sperm to fertilise the egg, you don't really need all that expensive treatment."...Well, yes, it does usually work that way...just with me, my body murders the poor little sperm and it never reaches the egg, so I believe I do need all that treament.
Or, "You are still young, there is plenty of time to have children.".......I do recall mentioning that I have endometriosis all over my ovaries and ovarian failure is a distinct possibility, but if you think an egg is unnecessary then who am I to argue?
"I know exactly how you feel, it took me six months of trying to fall pregnant with my third child.".....Okay??? How does that compare??? I realise that secondary infertility is painful too, but let's not get carried away!
4)People who try to laugh it off with a joke
" Take mine!" ......That is extremely funny, can't you see how hard I'm laughing? I am sure you want to part with your little treasure, that is why you won't let him out of your sight!
Or, " Are you sure you want a baby? They are such hard work, look how hard it is to control mine!" ........so that's why you keep popping them out one after the other! Of course I want a baby, why do you think I've spent a f.......ing fortune on fertility treatment? Did you think it was just a hobby?
5) People who keep having babies when they can't afford to feed them
Every time I drive through town I am forced to deal with beggars, banging on the car window, saying they cannot buy food for their children. Most of these women have a child by the hand, one on the hip and a belly full with the next one, and if you care to ask they will tell about at least two more at home! Maybe I am being unreasonable, but why keep having children if you cannot even feed them? Especially if the government provides free birth control! And yes, I am jealous that these women can have children and I can't!
6)People who habitually have abortions or dump their babies.
This is probably one of the most widely debated subjects, often the most contentious too, but I will only deal with it from my perspective and I hope no one takes offense.
While I can sort of understand abortion following rape, that is the only time I would condone it, and even there I have reservations as there are so many women out there who would love to have a baby and would gladly adopt. But at the same time I can understand how it could hurt a woman psychologically if she was forced to carry a child that is the result of rape.
Now that I have stated the one exception, I will say that to me abortion is murder, no matter what the law says. It is simply a way for women to keep sleeping around and falling pregnant without dealing with the cosequences! I would like to beg all women considering abortion to think of all those ladies out there that are desperate to have children, think about giving your child up for adoption to someone who will love it unconditionally!! As an infertile, I would love to have the opportunity to adopt a newborn!
The same goes for people who dump babies. If you can't cope with your baby please find a respectable agency and offer the child for adoption, give it a chance for life!
Okay, I think I am finished raving for now. I know some of my thoughts might upset people, but please remember that these are my feelings, and were not intended to be offensive. They will also hopefully be an eye opener for people who deal with infertiles......maybe show how hurtful thoughtless comments can be!
1 comment:
I really thought your post was profound. It did open my eyes. I had problems becoming pregnant and had multiple miscarriages, but I did finally carry a child. I have told women who are having fertility problems not to give up and told my story and not realizing that maybe they just didn't want to hear that. I will say a prayer for you and your husband. God bless.
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