Nurture

A wonderful fellow blogger and infertile, Tertia Albertyn, who is now a mother of twins as well as an author, has devoted all her spare time to helping other infertiles. With this in mind, she has lately begun work on a project called Nurture which deals with egg donors. The idea of this project is to make egg donation a win win situation for both sides of the coin. Please folks, read Tertia’s blog post and lend a helping hand (or egg) if you can.

An update

Here's a summary of everything you missed in the last…..year I think……

 

The allergy that showed up with my 2 IVF cycles turned out to be from morphine derivatives, so no morphine for me.

 

I had surgery for the endometriosis in Feb 2007 after being in constant pain for about 6 months. The surgery was not at all a success, to say the least, and my doctor basically washed his hands of me!

 

I spent most of 2007 in pain. The pain from the endo was constant, and absolutely would not go away. I ended up living a half life.

 

Against doctor's advice, I went for excision surgery in South Africa. I had the surgery in late November, and have felt great since then!

 

Turns out I have Early Ovarian Ageing. The new doctor in South Africa did some blood tests, and my Anti Mullerian Hormone is very low. I basically don't have too much longer to conceive.

 

I think I have cysts again. The pain from my ovaries has been a bit extreme for the last week, so will go to the doctor soon.

 

I also think my Prolactin level is up again. Tired all the time; skin breaking out in pimples; weight gain….and possibly cysts.

 

I'm saving up for IVF in South Africa. Since IVF is apparently now my only chance of falling pregnant, I'm saving every spare penny to get to South Africa for treatment. I'm hoping to achieve all this by late July.

 

Unrelated to infertility: I am working on my B.Ed. I'm now in my second year, but living in Zim presents unexpected challenges, like the inability to buy textbooks!

 

Well, I think that is all of importance for now. Until the next post……………

 

Spring clean

 

I finally took the time to work on my blog again, and imagine my surprise when I realised it's been 6 months since my last post! I will now endeavour to become a bit more of a regular writer, though I can make no promises of course…….

I have carried out a major spring-cleaning mission (though it's late summer here), and left only those posts that seemed important to me, the scrap has been scrapped!

Counting my blessings..........

Thinking about my problems........or maybe I should rather say trials........has made me look a little deeper. Where did that get me? Well, to a much better mindset I think.

We are all so very quick to complain, and yes I mean everyone! I will be the first to admit that I do a lot of complaining, moaning, grouching, whatever you want to call it, but I am definitely not alone! We all do it, we just don't always realise that we do.

Ok, so this is going somewhere, I think, but then again, maybe I have lost the plot................Oh, yes, blessings! Back to the point. While thinking about all of this I realised how rare it is for anyone to talk about the good things in their lives, or even think about them for that matter. It is too easy to always look at the negative side of things, and not so easy to admit that some of those clouds have a silver lining. So today, I am going to count some of my blessings, and hopefully you will think a little about the good things in YOUR life too.

Some of the blessings in my life are;

My husband Ben, who is always supportive, no matter what! My knight in shining armour.

My friends, who have stuck by me for so many years, you all know who you are!

A happy life in Zimbabwe, with every challenge conquered being a step forward.

Still being alive despite 10 operations in 6 years, a bigger blessing than you would think.

Ok, so I wouldn't call this a comprehensive list in any sense of the word, but it is a start, and it has focused my mind on the good things in my life. Here's hoping the positive attitude lasts. Think deeply about your own blessings, you might be surprised at how many there are......

Mother's Day

This has been a tough day for me for a very long time now. I've never spoken about it before because I didn't want to take away from the happiness of those who get to celebrate their motherhood this time every year. But now I think it is time to come out and say what I have been feeling for so long.

I am really happy for those who have children, really, so don't get me wrong, nor does this stem from jealousy in any form.This is merely a message from me to you, asking you to think before you speak when you are around someone who doesn't have children.

So many times I have had to grin and bear it when someone goes on and on about the joys of motherhood, knowing full well that I am unable (so far) to have any children of my own. I have had to bite my tongue when people ask me, "Don't you just wish you were a mother too?". The answer is simply this, yes I can see that motherhood is a wonderful and enriching experience, and yes, I do wish I were a mother too, that is why I have gone through the last six and a half years feeling more like a pin-cushion than anything else from all the fertility drugs. Also, please remember, though I have no children for you to look at, I am a mother too, my children just never made it into this world, they are all in heaven now.

So have a heart and realise that this can be a very painful day for many women out there who would like nothing better than to be able to celebrate this day just like you do, to be able to hear someone say "Happy Mother's Day", not "oh, but she's not a mother, so you shouldn't wish her a happy mother's day."

I hope this hasn't given offense to anyone, it is just my way of trying to explain how easy it can be to hurt someone in my position or a similar one.

Who I am......

Who am I? I don't think I even know for sure, so much has happened in my life that has shaped me and is still shaping me. For many years I have been ashamed to admit to some of the things that make me who I am, or stopped mentioning them because it made people uncomfortable. Finally, I have decided that it really doesn't matter what people think, what matters is being true to myself.

There are those out there who don't want to hear about the things that impact my life the most, they don't want to know how most of my days are spent in pain from a condition I never asked for, they don't want to hear about the infertility that comes with that condition, endometriosis, and most of all, they don't want to hear about my fight to overcome the pain and infertility.

The fact is, even the negative things in my life play a part in making me the person that I am, and I will not deny those things any more. If it makes people uncomfortable then I am sorry, but this is who I am and I need to be true to myself. Please know that when I share these things I am not looking for sympathy or a pity party, I am simply telling it like it is.

My week from Hell

So much has happened since my last post that I'm not quite sure where to begin; so I suppose I'll start from the transfer. Transfer went really great, for once I could say it was almost painless, and I was filled with hope for my two little embryos. There were still four more fighting it out in the lab, and we hoped some would make it to freezing! The next week was uneventful, just the normal impatience that always goes along with the two week wait.

But horror hit me seven days after transfer; I broke out in hives again!!! My husband rushed me home to the RE, who gave me cortisone lotion and sent me home, but it all got so much worse, that by 8pm I was booked into the hospital. I was given intravenous hydrocortisone, which didn't seem to have much effect, and by the second day in hospital I started spotting; a whole week before it could possibly have been due!!! By Friday, the bleeding was heavy.......pretty much as heavy as my heart. The RE called in the immunologist who changed my meds, so finally the hives started to subside. That on it's own was a terrible experience; the adrenaline when given intravenously has a terrible effect, it really makes it feel like your heart is going to break out of your chest at any moment!

By Saturday, the doctors both agreed I could go home, I was so relieved to be getting out of that hospital! Unfortunately, on Sunday morning, the hives were back and I was put onto stronger meds again....they seem to be helping. At the same time though, I am convinced that I lost my babies because bleeding was suddenly bright red!

I am now waiting to hear from the RE if he thinks I should still go for the beta; if there is any hope at all of a pregnancy from this cycle.

Oh, and I was also told on Saturday that none of my enbies made it to freezing.

Transfer Today!!!!

I just got the call; I have to go in this afternoon for embryo transfer! I still don't have a very clear idea of how many fertilized....I was simply told that there are 2 leading, and they cannot wait until tomorrow! I suppose I will find out a little more when I see the RE this afternoon. I am really hoping I will have some to freeze this time!!!!
So here begins bedrest..........by the way; what are your thoughts on bedrest? Necessary or not?

Cycle Progress

I know, I know, I'm not the best at keeping up to date in the blogging world! But I do have an excuse........raging hormones, and I mean really raging!

I am now eight days into stims, and feeling a little tender all round! The higher dosages seem to really have a big effect on me!

So, my cycle up to now has been quick, but reasonably uneventful; each ultrasound seems to reveal at least one extra follicle, and all are growing at an alarming rate. I now have a definite 11 follicles, the lead one measuring about 17mm, so I will be ready for the trigger shot tomorrow. (DH loves that, cause he gets to give me the shot, apparently that gives him some sort of sadistic pleasure!)

I have been put on a double dose of bromocriptine, in case all the stims etc make my prolactin levels rise again, but so far so good! The RE has also decided not to put me on any progesterone after transfer, because he agrees that was probably what caused the allergic reaction last time!

Egg Retieval will be on Monday! Here's hoping they get more than last time.

Back to IVF

Here I am, on day four of stims........my butt aches, and now that I think about it, so do my ovaries. I am on 5 amps of menogon per day, and it feels like things are moving fast!

Prolactin levels are down, but I still have to take the bromocriptine. That's ok though, as long as I get to have a baby in the end!!!!

Things are looking pretty positive this time round if I go by what my RE says. He seems to think I will have a really good number of follicles now that my prolactin levels have come down, he also thinks this cycle will move super fast, and expects to do the retrieval by the weekend!!! Talk about being in a hurry!

The permanent headaches are becoming a bit much, I really would love to get through one day without them, but then again, I don't want to be too demanding, I might jinx the cycle!!! I'm struggling to drink enough water too, never have been a real water drinker, now I have to keep drinking to avoid OHSS. I got it last time, so I know it's definitely something I don't need again!

My first scan is tomorrow, and hopefully I'll know how many follicles we're looking at. Back with an update then......

I am so tired!!!!

I am so tired of this whole endometriosis, trying to conceive, prolactinoma, nausea thing. It's driving me crazy!!!!! I feel so damned defective......and it's not a feeling I can stop!

I started on the bromocriptine again on Monday and I have felt incredibly sick since then, but I just don't feel like adding anti-nausea tablets to the daily regime! To add to that, my period is late, which stresses me, because it means that the prolactinoma is really wreaking havoc. My hair is falling out, in fact, it has been for three months now, and the vit B injections don't seem to be helping any! All I want to do all day is sleep, I feel so terrible.

I am actually also terrified of getting that monthly visitor, because the pain was so bad last month that I just wanted to curl up and die.....and the cyst is still there so it will probably be the same this month!

Now I have to start the pill again to control the cyst.....which means I will bloat up to an enormous size again!!!! I just can't wait! Oh, and the RE suggests jogging as a way to keep it down. That would be fine if I wasn't nauseous all the time.....and asthmatic to boot!

Ok, so in general, I am just feeling sorry for myself, but seeing babies everywhere I turn really doesn't help, I mean, the number of babies and pregnant women I see seem to increase exponentially as the years of ttc roll by........or is it just me seeing things?

Prolactin Levels Up

Well, I went to the RE today for the follow up on the cyst and fresh results on prolactin levels, and excuse me if I say the results were really sh*t!!!!! The cyst is down...by a whole two millimeters, and I will be going on the pill hoping to get rid of it for good, another ultrasound to follow in a month's time.

The prolactin level, however, is of course up again after just two and a half weeks off the bromocriptine!!! The prognosis? I will never be able to fall pregnant without bromocriptine! That sucks, really, really sucks! And for the first time ever, the RE actually asked if I want to keep trying for a baby. In the past he has always been so upbeat about it all, reminding me that I am still very young, which will improve my chances, but this time he was so serious and sad looking that it really depressed me!

I of course, am extremely stubborn, and insisted that I still want to keep trying........so no easy escape for the RE, he will still have to deal with my gigantic load of problems!

How Long is Too Long?

To try to conceive that is! Yes, I do have an idea what you were thinking!!!!! This is a question that I think many infertiles ask themselves, and do they ever find the answer? Rarely!

I think the answer always lies in the infertile herself, no one can answer it for you. It is a deeply personal issue with about a million variables involved.......making it impossible for anyone else to decide what is best for you.

I know I have struggled with that question in the past, and the truth is, I still struggle with it today! My husband and I set some very definite cut-off dates in the beginning.......then we reached them and realised we were not ready to quit just yet, so we set new ones.....and the same situation resulted. Now, we have finally decided to just keep trying until it no longer feels right. That could be never, I don't have the answer now, and I probably won't have it anytime soon either. I just have to do what all infertiles end up doing, go with the flow until your heart or nature tells you to stop! And yes, it will always be hard, the disappointments are never easy to take, but imagine the feeling when you finally have a success!!!!

I think I'm a cynical cow!!!!

Today I came across a letter written by a woman who has been going through the whole infertility thing for about 10 years now, and in it she expressed her feelings of scorn for those who complain after a very short time of trying to conceive. What surprised me....though only slightly....is that I often feel the same way.

I know, I know, infertility is hard, even for the beginners, but it is so hard to feel sorry for someone who has been trying for say, six months, and acts as if the world will come to an end because she is not yet pregnant. Bitchy as it may sound, my immediate thoughts are, "Wow, you've been trying how long? There is no way you could not be preggers yet, not after six whole months.....I am just a mutant 'cause it has taken me six years so far!!!!" Now, I never say those things, I just think them. And don't get me wrong, I do feel for those ladies, I was there once too so I know how it feels, and I hope none of them ends up in my shoes, I just wish they would think before acting like real IF veterans after such a short time!!!!

Believe me, six years is vastly different to six months, and it would be nice if people would realise that. Yes, any form of infertility is hard to deal with and creates some serious emotional tension, but please, don't be a drama queen after a few short months!!!

And, although I'm a cow, I do possess some tender feelings, so I hope all of you who are starting out in the IF world never have to go as far as I have gone. I hope you all have beautiful babies to take home in the shortest time possible. Good Luck!

Doctors' Mistakes

I get so angry when I think of all the problems that could be avoided if only doctors would be thorough when testing patients for problems. This is especially true right now for many infertiles, who often go through years of expensive treatments to try to conceive, only to be told that they had been misdiagnosed in the beginning anyway and their infertility is actually caused by something else.

I don't think the doctors realise how traumatic infertility can be for a person, so traumatic that the last thing they need is to be told that all the treatments they have had were wrong, and they now need to start again with the opposite approach. Would it hurt so much to be thorough the first time around? Is it so hard to order tests for any problem that seems at all possible? Can they not double check their findings and test again if necessary? 

I know that doctors are human too, and that they make mistakes, but some mistakes can be avoided by proper proceedure and follow-through!!!!

 

Hair-loss Horrors!

Things get crazier and crazier by the day!! On top of the nausea, sore (.)(.)s and permanent exhaustion, I now have to deal with hair loss........yes, hair loss!!!!!
It is coming out by the handful, especially when I wash it. And idiot that I am sometimes, I keep forgetting how bad it is and wash my hair in the bath. That leads to some serious problems, because when I wash my hair in the bath, I always do it before my husband joins me, so now, there is always a mission to retrieve all floating hair before he can get in, and that takes ages!!!
Now, I was warned about the hair loss when I was diagnosed with a prolactinoma, but I simply assumed that because it had not already happened, it wouldn't! Asshole!!!

Non Stop Nausea

I have it all the time, it never stops! Even tablets don't help the nausea, and I have had it since I started the bromocriptine!!!!!(two weeks now)

I know I was warned, but f...k, how long will this go on???? It really doesn't do much for my lifestyle! I am turning in to an old woman who never wants to go anywhere or do anything because I just feel too ill most of the time!

Does anyone out there have any suggestions to help me deal with the nausea?

Six Years Have Passed........

Saturday was our sixth wedding anniversary, and it put me in a very reflective mood. So much has happened in that time that it feels more like a lifetime........It has also made me appreciate what a wonderful husband I have!

In the last six years, my husband has seen me through nine operations, three miscarriages, nine IUIs, one IVF, countless minor illnesses, a number of visits to the emergency room, one hospitalisation for allergies, and now the prolactinoma. On top of all that he has put up with a whole heap of mood swings, temper, tears, depression, hopelessness, hormonal issues, PMS, and just about everything else that could be thrown at him. He has even attended every single doctor and RE's appointment with me, been there for each IUI and IVF, and waited on me hand and foot afterwards to make sure I don't overdo. The truly amazing part is that he has come through all that as loving and patient and strong as ever!!!

Here's to an amazing man......... my man!!!!

Results from my visit to the G.P

O.k, I am in a bit of shock right now, still trying to process everything. I went to my G.P to hear what she had to say about my hormones, all the time expecting to hear that the levels showed a possibility of cycts. Well, I was wrong!

The G.P says I have a prolactinoma, a tumour on the pituitary gland! Now, I know it isn't life threatening, but it's still a shock to the system. Apparently, I also have PCOS, but she says the medication she has given me to shrink the prolactinoma will also help with the cysts. The worst part of it all is the thought that the prolactinoma could have caused permanent infertility if it hadn't been found and treated! I don't recall the RE doing any of the blood tests I just had! He just said that we will do another IVF as soon as we can afford it. Just imagine, if my G.P hadn't sent me for all those blood tests I would've wasted all that money on an IVF cycle that had no chance at all of working!

The Unfairness of It All!!!!!

It's not easy to put my thoughts into words right now, so please bear with me....even if it sounds like a bunch of psycho babble!I have been battling with these thoughts for years now and they are just screaming to get out!

Throughout my battle with infertility I have seen things around me that strike me as so unfair or hurtful and I would like to share them with you....all the time hoping that it doesn't open a can of worms!

1) People who have children but don't really want them.
A relative of mine, mother of a six month old son at the time, commented on hearing about my first miscarriage,"Isn't it amazing, you want children so desperately and you have a miscarriage, I didn't even want children yet, and look at my beautiful son!"
I cannot even describe the pain and anger that rushed through me at those words!
That same relative now has 2 sons.

2) People who gloat about their super-fertility.
One comment I was privileged to hear when my struggle was divulged to some insensitive freak...."I can't believe you are having trouble falling pregnant, I keep getting pregnant on the pill!".......Well hurrah for you bitch, we can't all be uber-fertile!
Another favourite is, " My husband is scared to even look at me these days, I might get pregnant!"..........did you ever hear of birth control??? Or if you won't do that, then maybe consider carrying for an infertile???

3)People who think they know all about it.
Another relative, hearing about my fourth miscarriage said, " She'll get over it, I had a miscarriage and it wasn't that bad!"......well, news flash, when you have children and have only one early miscarriage, it is easier to get over than 4 consecutive miscarriages! But then, I wouldn't expect you to understand that!!!!

Another favourite, "I was battling to fall pregnant until I went on holiday, maybe you should try that!"......Um, I think the holiday angle has definitely failed for me....or don't you think I've been on holiday in the last five years?

Or,"It only takes one sperm to fertilise the egg, you don't really need all that expensive treatment."...Well, yes, it does usually work that way...just with me, my body murders the poor little sperm and it never reaches the egg, so I believe I do need all that treament.

Or, "You are still young, there is plenty of time to have children.".......I do recall mentioning that I have endometriosis all over my ovaries and ovarian failure is a distinct possibility, but if you think an egg is unnecessary then who am I to argue?

"I know exactly how you feel, it took me six months of trying to fall pregnant with my third child.".....Okay??? How does that compare??? I realise that secondary infertility is painful too, but let's not get carried away!

4)People who try to laugh it off with a joke
" Take mine!" ......That is extremely funny, can't you see how hard I'm laughing? I am sure you want to part with your little treasure, that is why you won't let him out of your sight!

Or, " Are you sure you want a baby? They are such hard work, look how hard it is to control mine!" ........so that's why you keep popping them out one after the other! Of course I want a baby, why do you think I've spent a f.......ing fortune on fertility treatment? Did you think it was just a hobby?

5) People who keep having babies when they can't afford to feed them
Every time I drive through town I am forced to deal with beggars, banging on the car window, saying they cannot buy food for their children. Most of these women have a child by the hand, one on the hip and a belly full with the next one, and if you care to ask they will tell about at least two more at home! Maybe I am being unreasonable, but why keep having children if you cannot even feed them? Especially if the government provides free birth control! And yes, I am jealous that these women can have children and I can't!

6)People who habitually have abortions or dump their babies.
This is probably one of the most widely debated subjects, often the most contentious too, but I will only deal with it from my perspective and I hope no one takes offense.
While I can sort of understand abortion following rape, that is the only time I would condone it, and even there I have reservations as there are so many women out there who would love to have a baby and would gladly adopt. But at the same time I can understand how it could hurt a woman psychologically if she was forced to carry a child that is the result of rape.
Now that I have stated the one exception, I will say that to me abortion is murder, no matter what the law says. It is simply a way for women to keep sleeping around and falling pregnant without dealing with the cosequences! I would like to beg all women considering abortion to think of all those ladies out there that are desperate to have children, think about giving your child up for adoption to someone who will love it unconditionally!! As an infertile, I would love to have the opportunity to adopt a newborn!
The same goes for people who dump babies. If you can't cope with your baby please find a respectable agency and offer the child for adoption, give it a chance for life!



Okay, I think I am finished raving for now. I know some of my thoughts might upset people, but please remember that these are my feelings, and were not intended to be offensive. They will also hopefully be an eye opener for people who deal with infertiles......maybe show how hurtful thoughtless comments can be!