My week from Hell

So much has happened since my last post that I'm not quite sure where to begin; so I suppose I'll start from the transfer. Transfer went really great, for once I could say it was almost painless, and I was filled with hope for my two little embryos. There were still four more fighting it out in the lab, and we hoped some would make it to freezing! The next week was uneventful, just the normal impatience that always goes along with the two week wait.

But horror hit me seven days after transfer; I broke out in hives again!!! My husband rushed me home to the RE, who gave me cortisone lotion and sent me home, but it all got so much worse, that by 8pm I was booked into the hospital. I was given intravenous hydrocortisone, which didn't seem to have much effect, and by the second day in hospital I started spotting; a whole week before it could possibly have been due!!! By Friday, the bleeding was heavy.......pretty much as heavy as my heart. The RE called in the immunologist who changed my meds, so finally the hives started to subside. That on it's own was a terrible experience; the adrenaline when given intravenously has a terrible effect, it really makes it feel like your heart is going to break out of your chest at any moment!

By Saturday, the doctors both agreed I could go home, I was so relieved to be getting out of that hospital! Unfortunately, on Sunday morning, the hives were back and I was put onto stronger meds again....they seem to be helping. At the same time though, I am convinced that I lost my babies because bleeding was suddenly bright red!

I am now waiting to hear from the RE if he thinks I should still go for the beta; if there is any hope at all of a pregnancy from this cycle.

Oh, and I was also told on Saturday that none of my enbies made it to freezing.

Transfer Today!!!!

I just got the call; I have to go in this afternoon for embryo transfer! I still don't have a very clear idea of how many fertilized....I was simply told that there are 2 leading, and they cannot wait until tomorrow! I suppose I will find out a little more when I see the RE this afternoon. I am really hoping I will have some to freeze this time!!!!
So here begins bedrest..........by the way; what are your thoughts on bedrest? Necessary or not?

Cycle Progress

I know, I know, I'm not the best at keeping up to date in the blogging world! But I do have an excuse........raging hormones, and I mean really raging!

I am now eight days into stims, and feeling a little tender all round! The higher dosages seem to really have a big effect on me!

So, my cycle up to now has been quick, but reasonably uneventful; each ultrasound seems to reveal at least one extra follicle, and all are growing at an alarming rate. I now have a definite 11 follicles, the lead one measuring about 17mm, so I will be ready for the trigger shot tomorrow. (DH loves that, cause he gets to give me the shot, apparently that gives him some sort of sadistic pleasure!)

I have been put on a double dose of bromocriptine, in case all the stims etc make my prolactin levels rise again, but so far so good! The RE has also decided not to put me on any progesterone after transfer, because he agrees that was probably what caused the allergic reaction last time!

Egg Retieval will be on Monday! Here's hoping they get more than last time.

Back to IVF

Here I am, on day four of stims........my butt aches, and now that I think about it, so do my ovaries. I am on 5 amps of menogon per day, and it feels like things are moving fast!

Prolactin levels are down, but I still have to take the bromocriptine. That's ok though, as long as I get to have a baby in the end!!!!

Things are looking pretty positive this time round if I go by what my RE says. He seems to think I will have a really good number of follicles now that my prolactin levels have come down, he also thinks this cycle will move super fast, and expects to do the retrieval by the weekend!!! Talk about being in a hurry!

The permanent headaches are becoming a bit much, I really would love to get through one day without them, but then again, I don't want to be too demanding, I might jinx the cycle!!! I'm struggling to drink enough water too, never have been a real water drinker, now I have to keep drinking to avoid OHSS. I got it last time, so I know it's definitely something I don't need again!

My first scan is tomorrow, and hopefully I'll know how many follicles we're looking at. Back with an update then......

I am so tired!!!!

I am so tired of this whole endometriosis, trying to conceive, prolactinoma, nausea thing. It's driving me crazy!!!!! I feel so damned defective......and it's not a feeling I can stop!

I started on the bromocriptine again on Monday and I have felt incredibly sick since then, but I just don't feel like adding anti-nausea tablets to the daily regime! To add to that, my period is late, which stresses me, because it means that the prolactinoma is really wreaking havoc. My hair is falling out, in fact, it has been for three months now, and the vit B injections don't seem to be helping any! All I want to do all day is sleep, I feel so terrible.

I am actually also terrified of getting that monthly visitor, because the pain was so bad last month that I just wanted to curl up and die.....and the cyst is still there so it will probably be the same this month!

Now I have to start the pill again to control the cyst.....which means I will bloat up to an enormous size again!!!! I just can't wait! Oh, and the RE suggests jogging as a way to keep it down. That would be fine if I wasn't nauseous all the time.....and asthmatic to boot!

Ok, so in general, I am just feeling sorry for myself, but seeing babies everywhere I turn really doesn't help, I mean, the number of babies and pregnant women I see seem to increase exponentially as the years of ttc roll by........or is it just me seeing things?

Prolactin Levels Up

Well, I went to the RE today for the follow up on the cyst and fresh results on prolactin levels, and excuse me if I say the results were really sh*t!!!!! The cyst is down...by a whole two millimeters, and I will be going on the pill hoping to get rid of it for good, another ultrasound to follow in a month's time.

The prolactin level, however, is of course up again after just two and a half weeks off the bromocriptine!!! The prognosis? I will never be able to fall pregnant without bromocriptine! That sucks, really, really sucks! And for the first time ever, the RE actually asked if I want to keep trying for a baby. In the past he has always been so upbeat about it all, reminding me that I am still very young, which will improve my chances, but this time he was so serious and sad looking that it really depressed me!

I of course, am extremely stubborn, and insisted that I still want to keep trying........so no easy escape for the RE, he will still have to deal with my gigantic load of problems!

How Long is Too Long?

To try to conceive that is! Yes, I do have an idea what you were thinking!!!!! This is a question that I think many infertiles ask themselves, and do they ever find the answer? Rarely!

I think the answer always lies in the infertile herself, no one can answer it for you. It is a deeply personal issue with about a million variables involved.......making it impossible for anyone else to decide what is best for you.

I know I have struggled with that question in the past, and the truth is, I still struggle with it today! My husband and I set some very definite cut-off dates in the beginning.......then we reached them and realised we were not ready to quit just yet, so we set new ones.....and the same situation resulted. Now, we have finally decided to just keep trying until it no longer feels right. That could be never, I don't have the answer now, and I probably won't have it anytime soon either. I just have to do what all infertiles end up doing, go with the flow until your heart or nature tells you to stop! And yes, it will always be hard, the disappointments are never easy to take, but imagine the feeling when you finally have a success!!!!

I think I'm a cynical cow!!!!

Today I came across a letter written by a woman who has been going through the whole infertility thing for about 10 years now, and in it she expressed her feelings of scorn for those who complain after a very short time of trying to conceive. What surprised me....though only slightly....is that I often feel the same way.

I know, I know, infertility is hard, even for the beginners, but it is so hard to feel sorry for someone who has been trying for say, six months, and acts as if the world will come to an end because she is not yet pregnant. Bitchy as it may sound, my immediate thoughts are, "Wow, you've been trying how long? There is no way you could not be preggers yet, not after six whole months.....I am just a mutant 'cause it has taken me six years so far!!!!" Now, I never say those things, I just think them. And don't get me wrong, I do feel for those ladies, I was there once too so I know how it feels, and I hope none of them ends up in my shoes, I just wish they would think before acting like real IF veterans after such a short time!!!!

Believe me, six years is vastly different to six months, and it would be nice if people would realise that. Yes, any form of infertility is hard to deal with and creates some serious emotional tension, but please, don't be a drama queen after a few short months!!!

And, although I'm a cow, I do possess some tender feelings, so I hope all of you who are starting out in the IF world never have to go as far as I have gone. I hope you all have beautiful babies to take home in the shortest time possible. Good Luck!

Doctors' Mistakes

I get so angry when I think of all the problems that could be avoided if only doctors would be thorough when testing patients for problems. This is especially true right now for many infertiles, who often go through years of expensive treatments to try to conceive, only to be told that they had been misdiagnosed in the beginning anyway and their infertility is actually caused by something else.

I don't think the doctors realise how traumatic infertility can be for a person, so traumatic that the last thing they need is to be told that all the treatments they have had were wrong, and they now need to start again with the opposite approach. Would it hurt so much to be thorough the first time around? Is it so hard to order tests for any problem that seems at all possible? Can they not double check their findings and test again if necessary? 

I know that doctors are human too, and that they make mistakes, but some mistakes can be avoided by proper proceedure and follow-through!!!!

 

Hair-loss Horrors!

Things get crazier and crazier by the day!! On top of the nausea, sore (.)(.)s and permanent exhaustion, I now have to deal with hair loss........yes, hair loss!!!!!
It is coming out by the handful, especially when I wash it. And idiot that I am sometimes, I keep forgetting how bad it is and wash my hair in the bath. That leads to some serious problems, because when I wash my hair in the bath, I always do it before my husband joins me, so now, there is always a mission to retrieve all floating hair before he can get in, and that takes ages!!!
Now, I was warned about the hair loss when I was diagnosed with a prolactinoma, but I simply assumed that because it had not already happened, it wouldn't! Asshole!!!

Non Stop Nausea

I have it all the time, it never stops! Even tablets don't help the nausea, and I have had it since I started the bromocriptine!!!!!(two weeks now)

I know I was warned, but f...k, how long will this go on???? It really doesn't do much for my lifestyle! I am turning in to an old woman who never wants to go anywhere or do anything because I just feel too ill most of the time!

Does anyone out there have any suggestions to help me deal with the nausea?

Six Years Have Passed........

Saturday was our sixth wedding anniversary, and it put me in a very reflective mood. So much has happened in that time that it feels more like a lifetime........It has also made me appreciate what a wonderful husband I have!

In the last six years, my husband has seen me through nine operations, three miscarriages, nine IUIs, one IVF, countless minor illnesses, a number of visits to the emergency room, one hospitalisation for allergies, and now the prolactinoma. On top of all that he has put up with a whole heap of mood swings, temper, tears, depression, hopelessness, hormonal issues, PMS, and just about everything else that could be thrown at him. He has even attended every single doctor and RE's appointment with me, been there for each IUI and IVF, and waited on me hand and foot afterwards to make sure I don't overdo. The truly amazing part is that he has come through all that as loving and patient and strong as ever!!!

Here's to an amazing man......... my man!!!!

Results from my visit to the G.P

O.k, I am in a bit of shock right now, still trying to process everything. I went to my G.P to hear what she had to say about my hormones, all the time expecting to hear that the levels showed a possibility of cycts. Well, I was wrong!

The G.P says I have a prolactinoma, a tumour on the pituitary gland! Now, I know it isn't life threatening, but it's still a shock to the system. Apparently, I also have PCOS, but she says the medication she has given me to shrink the prolactinoma will also help with the cysts. The worst part of it all is the thought that the prolactinoma could have caused permanent infertility if it hadn't been found and treated! I don't recall the RE doing any of the blood tests I just had! He just said that we will do another IVF as soon as we can afford it. Just imagine, if my G.P hadn't sent me for all those blood tests I would've wasted all that money on an IVF cycle that had no chance at all of working!

The Unfairness of It All!!!!!

It's not easy to put my thoughts into words right now, so please bear with me....even if it sounds like a bunch of psycho babble!I have been battling with these thoughts for years now and they are just screaming to get out!

Throughout my battle with infertility I have seen things around me that strike me as so unfair or hurtful and I would like to share them with you....all the time hoping that it doesn't open a can of worms!

1) People who have children but don't really want them.
A relative of mine, mother of a six month old son at the time, commented on hearing about my first miscarriage,"Isn't it amazing, you want children so desperately and you have a miscarriage, I didn't even want children yet, and look at my beautiful son!"
I cannot even describe the pain and anger that rushed through me at those words!
That same relative now has 2 sons.

2) People who gloat about their super-fertility.
One comment I was privileged to hear when my struggle was divulged to some insensitive freak...."I can't believe you are having trouble falling pregnant, I keep getting pregnant on the pill!".......Well hurrah for you bitch, we can't all be uber-fertile!
Another favourite is, " My husband is scared to even look at me these days, I might get pregnant!"..........did you ever hear of birth control??? Or if you won't do that, then maybe consider carrying for an infertile???

3)People who think they know all about it.
Another relative, hearing about my fourth miscarriage said, " She'll get over it, I had a miscarriage and it wasn't that bad!"......well, news flash, when you have children and have only one early miscarriage, it is easier to get over than 4 consecutive miscarriages! But then, I wouldn't expect you to understand that!!!!

Another favourite, "I was battling to fall pregnant until I went on holiday, maybe you should try that!"......Um, I think the holiday angle has definitely failed for me....or don't you think I've been on holiday in the last five years?

Or,"It only takes one sperm to fertilise the egg, you don't really need all that expensive treatment."...Well, yes, it does usually work that way...just with me, my body murders the poor little sperm and it never reaches the egg, so I believe I do need all that treament.

Or, "You are still young, there is plenty of time to have children.".......I do recall mentioning that I have endometriosis all over my ovaries and ovarian failure is a distinct possibility, but if you think an egg is unnecessary then who am I to argue?

"I know exactly how you feel, it took me six months of trying to fall pregnant with my third child.".....Okay??? How does that compare??? I realise that secondary infertility is painful too, but let's not get carried away!

4)People who try to laugh it off with a joke
" Take mine!" ......That is extremely funny, can't you see how hard I'm laughing? I am sure you want to part with your little treasure, that is why you won't let him out of your sight!

Or, " Are you sure you want a baby? They are such hard work, look how hard it is to control mine!" ........so that's why you keep popping them out one after the other! Of course I want a baby, why do you think I've spent a f.......ing fortune on fertility treatment? Did you think it was just a hobby?

5) People who keep having babies when they can't afford to feed them
Every time I drive through town I am forced to deal with beggars, banging on the car window, saying they cannot buy food for their children. Most of these women have a child by the hand, one on the hip and a belly full with the next one, and if you care to ask they will tell about at least two more at home! Maybe I am being unreasonable, but why keep having children if you cannot even feed them? Especially if the government provides free birth control! And yes, I am jealous that these women can have children and I can't!

6)People who habitually have abortions or dump their babies.
This is probably one of the most widely debated subjects, often the most contentious too, but I will only deal with it from my perspective and I hope no one takes offense.
While I can sort of understand abortion following rape, that is the only time I would condone it, and even there I have reservations as there are so many women out there who would love to have a baby and would gladly adopt. But at the same time I can understand how it could hurt a woman psychologically if she was forced to carry a child that is the result of rape.
Now that I have stated the one exception, I will say that to me abortion is murder, no matter what the law says. It is simply a way for women to keep sleeping around and falling pregnant without dealing with the cosequences! I would like to beg all women considering abortion to think of all those ladies out there that are desperate to have children, think about giving your child up for adoption to someone who will love it unconditionally!! As an infertile, I would love to have the opportunity to adopt a newborn!
The same goes for people who dump babies. If you can't cope with your baby please find a respectable agency and offer the child for adoption, give it a chance for life!



Okay, I think I am finished raving for now. I know some of my thoughts might upset people, but please remember that these are my feelings, and were not intended to be offensive. They will also hopefully be an eye opener for people who deal with infertiles......maybe show how hurtful thoughtless comments can be!

Hormones, Temper, and Cravings...........

Why oh why were we given hormones???? They rage unchecked through our bodies, causing misery and strife! And did anyone make a f...ing off button???????????????????

Apparently I have been found to be somewhat bitchy lately, my answer to this is...."Of course I am bitchy, I have a whole army of hormones racing through my blood stream right now, so either put up with it....or become the next casualty in this war!!!!!

But seriously, even I am begining to have issues with my attitude lately.........I can't stand my own company, how sad is that? I also have issues with the cravings that seem to come hand in hand with raging hormones. I WANT CHOCOLATE, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, my thighs are politely saying no thank you to that request! A cigarette would also be most welcome at the moment, but I know if I give in to that craving I will regret it......especially since I have been smoke free for a year.

It seems the only answer is to go and hibernate this bitchy bod until it reaches a more even keel!

The Monster Grows Again

It has been just over a year since my last laparoscopy to treat endometriosis, and I feel that the next one is imminent . Now, after having had this surgery four times in the last three and a half years, I am understandably unenthusiastic!
Usually the surgeries tend to be about eight months apart, but I have lasted much longer this time due to a six month stint on birth control pills (part of the aforementioned weight issue).
Unfortunately, I found myself considering the desireability of surgery at about 6 am this morning to the accompaniment of some rather sharp pains in the ovary region. Now, I know this is not ovulation, because that happened two days ago. I honestly believe that I have cysts again......so do my ovaries believe it!
The problem is that I wanted to delay surgery so that I can have it right before my next IVF cycle so that I can start fresh, but the money is hard to come by so IVF will be considerably delayed! So my choices are; have the surgery so long anyway..or...wait a while and put up with the pain. My body and my husband would prefer the first choice!!!!

Does Parenthood Eliminate Individualism???

In my recent wanderings, I have noticed a peculiar habit of many parents of calling each other by title rather than name. It appears that parenthood overcomes self in it's entirety! Names fall away and the parents simply become Mama or Papa, even when speaking to each other.
Now, I understand this habit when in front of the children.....to an extent, but some couples go so far as to do this when at adult parties or out with friends, no children in sight. Is there some reason these people seem to cavalierly discard personal identity completely? If so I hope there is someone who can enlighten me!

Weighty Issues

After five and a half years of fertility treatment I find that I have a problem....yes, you guessed it....I am fat! Or at least I feel that I am fat, my husband thinks the extra weight is wonderful....I need to check what he has been smoking! I am 11kg above my normal weight and it is killing me! I have tried everything from eating plan to weight loss patch and nothing seems to help, oh yes, I play tennis every day too! So if there is someone out there with any ideas please speak up, I need to lose weight fast.

From the Beginning

Ok, so in the beginning it was basically girl meets boy (or rather man in this case), they get married, decide to wait a while for kids.......and bam, six months later we find out he has sperm count and morphology problems. I freak out, he decides to try donor sperm, I freak out some more, he convinces me to try. Follows two attempts at donor IUI, resulting in one miscarriage and one chemical pregnancy and me freaking out some more with doctor spending so much time peering between my legs. After much pain and frequent fainting, I get referred to an RE, who promptly does a laparoscopy and discovers that those hellish pains I lived with all through my teens were not in fact normal at all! I have endometriosis.....so now I have yet another person peering between my legs all the time. Three more laparoscopies, seven donor IUIs, one D&C, two miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy later, they decide it is time for me to try IVF.....I am sure this was actually designed as a form of torture. So I save money until I am blue in the face and still have to borrow so much that my eyes begin rolling and have my first IVF. Now looking back at my general history, you will not be surprised to hear that one week after egg transfer I end up in the hospital with a major allergy....to what we don't know. My body decides it is too much to bear and ends my IVF cycle forthwith. So that brings me back to the present....being a housewife.....looking for a job.......trying to find the cash for another try.....driving my husband insane!